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On Collars

Humans believe that collars are clothing for Cats. Nothing Could be farther from the truth.


Collars. Are. Accessories. Period.


A collar is one of the first offerings humans provide us. Unlike new-Cat necessities, such as jingle balls, scratchy things and litter boxes, collars are purely ornamental. If so insistent to gild the lilies, why do humans, so frequently, exert such little effort when choosing? Is it laziness? Indifference? Or just bad taste? To Cats, it is a mystery.

When selecting a collar, humans first should consider their Cat's personal aesthetic. Does it clash with her fur? Put it back. Green collars look lovely on Ginger Cats. Black Cats favor red. Calico and TortiCo coats are rich tapestries, eclipsing most any embellishment. If collar you must, matching the eyes is always a good idea. Racing checks or college logos? Please, no. Never.

Next, humans, muse on your Cat's personality. Is he a goofy fluff-ball? A tough guy tiger? Is she demure, shy, exquisite?

Amelia Earhart, of @orangecat_brian_williams fame, is strong, refined, quietly fabulous. Her signature pearls are the perfect accompaniment. Clearly, her mother spent many thoughtful hours scouring the intraverse for just the right adornment. Pearls enhance Ms. Earhart's delicate neck and accentuate her extraordinary whiskers. Her mother chose wisely. Brava.

My own style recalls old-Hollywood glamour. For my debut, Mother gifted me a lovely ensemble: silver leather, dripping with gems. It is equally suitable for Texas-Dipping at the debutante ball, ruminating in my private lair and educating that dog on poise and decorum. Mother, too, chose wisely.

If at a loss, humans might think back on funny memories, inside jokes. Archie was "Acorn" to our wonderful caretakers at Dallas' East Lake Pet Orphanage - @elpo. Last fall, Archie re-gifted his Texas Rangers collar to the Cat across the creek (he's more of an Astros fan). Mom hunted for a better choice. After days of searching, she found perfection: deep green, with *ta-da!* an autumnal pattern of acorns! He has never "lost" it, not even when the squirrels laughed and pointed, calling him a copy Cat. Squirrels are not very clever.

Humans, when shopping for your Cat's collar, look beyond the trifles at big-box pet stores. A full day hunting local boutiques, then six to twelve hours on the internet, may lead you to a prize your Cat never will want to take off. Should you come home to find your Cat collarless, do not shame her or call him naked. Just know that you chose poorly. Try again.

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