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"The Cat is such a perfect symbol of beauty and superiority that it seems scarcely possible for any true aesthete and civilised cynic to do other than worship it." - HP Lovecraft

Cats, indisputably, are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace this earth. Our superiority and entitlement are part of the natural order. To those misguided humans who doubt this fact, let your own history tell the tale.


The earliest denizens of the Fertile Crescent knew. 14,000 years ago, archaeology shows, Cats first strolled into early Mesopotamian caves, or hovels, or huts - whatever humans called home at the time. Millennia before Gilgamesh floated down the Euphrates, Cats purred comfortably on human hearths.

A notable Neolithic Cypriot followed his island's singular Feline into the afterlife. He chose a burial spot mere inches from Cyprus' first Cat. Her ceremonious interment punctuates the life of a magnanimous pioneer. Likely, she took pity on the admirer, who had never seen the likes of her. In an act of divine compassion, she chose to accompany him to his homeland. The primeval human's display of eternal gratitude is laudable, even by our standards.

Everyone knows the Egyptians - those brilliant, insightful humans - finally acknowledged Cats-kind's proper station. Gentle goddess Bastet, at one moment, watched over children and inspired artists. At another, she turned vicious protector of her father, Ra, the sun god (not a Cat). Next time your purring snuggle-bug transforms into ferocious predator of exposed flesh, understand, she is blessing you with a glimpse of her intrinsic divinity.

Norse bards shared tales of supernatural Cats lending their powers of flight to the human goddess, Freya. To this day, descendants of that goddess' devotees feed our feral brethren in the Flying Cats' honor.

Bengali lore tells of a mystical black Cat, companion to goddess Shashthi.

Greek goddess Artemis chose the form of a Cat to slip out of a pickle.

Benevolent, preternatural Felines led Babylonian priests and virtuous ancient Finns to their respective paradises.

China's Cat goddess, Li Shou, was charged by her elders with running the world. Finding the job unpalatable - so full of mundane tasks - she decided to leave that tedium to people. Exercising her divine privilege, she chose instead to doze in the sun as the humans labored. Meditate on that when you clean our litter boxes while we lounge and watch.

Although ancient Romans did not pay us proper homage, Cats sauntered freely through their temples, where dogs and other lesser creatures were forbidden.

There came a time when human ignorance reigned, and Cats fell out of favor. No tales worth telling are left from those days. Our ancestors expunged them from Feline Tradition.

Some people claim, their forefathers regarded Cats as useful tools in the fight against vermin. Thus, they tolerated our presence in their homes. Such fools forget, their species, with handy opposable thumbs, built the fires and prepared the foods that garnered Cats’ attention in the first place.

Today, Cat-kind is back on top. Human devotees ply us with meaty patties, treats and tidbits. They shower us with jingle balls, tinkle bells, scratchy things, and other fine offerings, all to seek our favor.

Most notably, modern humans built for us this strange, abstract basilica they call, "The Internet." With more Cat photos than people on earth, and a centuries-long cache of video, cyberspace transcends time and geography. Finally, Cats have secured their proper status in the universe. Beware, ignorant disbelievers and tentative agnostics. You. Are. Outnumbered.

To the enlightened people, and your eternal enthrallment with felis domesticus, I leave you with this blessing:

"You're Welcome."

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